on sucking at life

it seems like i should post the more depressing crap on livejournal. i'm not cool enough to be emo in public. but whatever.

um...yeah. i was going to put up a poem i wrote in june. and lyrics from last night. but scratch that. at least for now.

i've been feeling like i suck at life. and thinking things that i know aren't quite true. but knowing that doesn't stop me thinking. and consequently feeling a bit like crap. so i kind of tried to separate some of the things that've been whirling through my brain into true/false. seemed like kind of a good idea.

true: my relationship with my sister-in-law is shaky at best, and i really miss my two best friends that moved away.
false: i don't know how to be a good friend.
-really. it just takes time to get in-depth.

true: i'm not good at keeping a devotional routine.
false: ...which means i obviously don't love God, because i can't even make some time for Him.
-sure. it's something i need to keep working at. but it doesn't make me a bad kid.

what else? i was rattling 'em off to myself in the car on the way home...

true: i put too much of a burden of expectation on myself.
false: i suck at life/am a jerk/can't get it right/whatever.

there's more, about fear and openness and freaking out and such, that i'm too tired to attempt to parse through at the moment. but it's a start.

anyway.

as far as anything that *actually* sucks, God said, "let Me wash you clean." (no, i don't even know if it exactly says that anywhere in the Bible. and i'm not going to try to think of a verse. He just said it to me. as it was raining. i'm pretty sure it was Him, because i don't usually come up with stuff that good.)
continuing to muck around in the dirt is denying His grace.
forgive me, Lord.
help me accept Your forgiveness.
help me change.

enough for now.

goodnight.