Loner (trying not to be)

It is easy for an introvert to become a loner.

It can be difficult for an introvert to feel supported. Because it can be difficult to reach out. Difficult to "run with a pack."

I don't know if I can really blame anything on being an introvert, though. I'm not certain it's all that related. Which is why I'm writing it. To see if I can figure it out.

I feel like I'm not good at having friends. I have plenty of people that I am friendly with....but not many that I feel like I have established a deep connection with. Not many that I have really opened up to. I feel it more, having had several of those close connections at various times who necessarily became less intimate due to an increase of distance. People move so much, these days. You don't get as close a community as you used to (back in days long before I was born - you really only read about them in books anymore), because folks are constantly coming and going. It's fabulous, and it's sad.

But I digress. Friendship - real friendship - takes effort. Some of it happens naturally, sure. But there's a certain amount of intentional follow-through required to make it stick. And that's where I tend to fall short. I tell myself it's because I don't want to impose. I don't want to bother you. And silly as that is, it's partly true. But I'm sure there's more to it than that. Fear, I'm sure. Of being vulnerable. Of being hurt. Of painful self-discovery, perhaps. Laziness. Not wanting to add something else to my plate, because I already have plenty going on right now, thank you, and I really prefer not to stress myself the heck out...

But some of these things that I have "going on" are more important than others. One has to have priorities. And most people know that relationships ought to be at the top of the list. So I try to keep them there. My husband. (Y'all, I got married! It's pretty cool.) My parents - and my in-laws. (Dinner once a week, each.) My friends... Yes, we hang out. Ben & I get to spend some time with pretty awesome folks on a fairly regular basis. Together, and yes, I get my girl time in, too. But is it enough? Do we go deep enough? I think we do, sometimes. But there could be more. Which is where, every once in awhile, I have to stretch myself, move out of my comfort zone a little. Well, I don't have to. But there's always the choice. To go out on a limb. To take just a small risk.

Sometimes clicking the "send" button on an email feels like a leap of faith...

P.S. - Sorry if you're disappointed that my first post as a married gal isn't really anything about being married. Maybe a bit of that will come after awhile. I'm still processing all of it. Just suffice it to say that the wedding was pretty much perfect, the honeymoon was a fun adventure, and I flipping love my husband. He is the best ever. And God is good. Very, very good. The end (for now).