new way to start

okay, you know what?  i should have started here.  should have started with rambling.  it might help my thoughts come together.  might help my prayer come out unstilted.

not sure if i can really think right now, though.  but i can at least try.

so i've been feeling unmotivated.  like, what's my reason to get up in the morning?  because i hardly do unless i need to be at work.  i tried using my to-do list as motivation, but that didn't work.  

i think, just maybe, i was trying to be in control.  trying to "get it together," y'know?

and i should know better than that - really i should.  but you know how it is.  it's so easy to slide back into that get-things-done and do-things-right mentality.  where how well you do is the measure of how good you are.

basically, i guess, i was trying to be my own source.  without really realizing it.  and as soon as i start being my source, i dry up.  as soon as i start being my center, i am lost.  i started guessing at this on the way to church this morning.  but i still had a rough morning after that.  which is why i decided i needed to do some writing.  clear my head.  put the words down in front of me so i could look at them, instead of just letting them swirl around in my head.

it's been a tough week.  and that probably added to my difficult morning...but that definitely wasn't all of it.

by the way, i hate being vulnerable.  it's something we're sort of continually working on.  and this blog is part of it.  but i always get mad at myself when i cry in public.

anyway.  i read this prayer a week or so ago in a random blog i happen to subscribe to.  i'm not going to quote it, but the idea was this guy had started praying this one prayer focusing on God's sovereignty, and it had really changed his perspective.  and the blogger challenged his readers to try praying this guy's prayer every day for 30 days or whatnot.  and it just made me think maybe i should write out a prayer - maybe not this exact one, but at least drawing some from it - and stick it on my mirror in the bathroom to pray every morning.  and maybe it would just help me get my day started right.  get me focused on the right things.  it won't necessarily help me get out of bed, but at least it'll help me once i do.

and then the sermon today was john 15.  the vine and the branches.  abiding in love.  receiving and trusting (and trusting leads to obedience).  so i want to incorporate that.  because it's definitely something i need.  something to remind myself to think about.

i'm going to try not to get too hung up on wording.  how i decide to address God.  whether there might be a more correct Person of the Trinity to ask for any certain thing.  i don't want to get caught up in semantics and never finish.  got it started, before i started writing this, though i am going to have to take some time now to work it out a bit.  so, here goes...

alright.  a couple hours (most of which was taken up by having a reading-plus-some-other-stuff break) later...here's what i've got:

Father, I need Your help today.

I know that without You, I can do nothing.

Please help me remember that You are in control of everything

(The good and the bad),

That You work all things together for the good of Your own,

That Your grace is sufficient for me.

Please make me thankful for everything that happens today,

Knowing that Your ways are higher than mine,

That Your thoughts are higher than mine,

That Your plan is good.

Jesus, You are the True Vine and Source of my life:

Please help me rest in You,

Trusting Your words and abiding in Your love.

Thank You for continually showing that love to me,

For making me clean.

Holy Spirit, please give me wisdom

As I respond to people and situations today.

Please continue revealing Your heart to me

And teaching me to live Your will where I am today.

Give me the strength to follow Your leading.

Thank You for providing all I need.

Your will be done.  Amen.

i'm giving it a shot.  i've handwritten it out.  i've taped it to my mirror.  i'm hoping i can make a habit of reading it and meaning it.  i'm hoping God uses it.

still won't likely help me get up in the morning (that wasn't the point of this exercise...), but there's always something to work on, right?  

so here's a question for you: what motivates you?  what gets you out of bed when you feel like you'd rather be sleeping?

(p.s. - sorry the formatting's a bit off - in case you noticed - i'm going to quit trying to fix it before it gets worse...)